That seems to be the message of “RED,” a big, explosive and cartoonishly fun comic-book film starring—gasp!—old people.
Although there’s no dearth of spectacular gunplay and fisticuffs in this light-hearted actioner, what makes “RED” really rock is old-fashioned movie-star style. We’re not talking glamour and charisma so much as low-key, deliciously self-aware humor and grace, effortlessly delivered by an A-list cast: Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Brian Cox, John Malkovich, Richard Dreyfuss, Mary-Louise Parker and Ernest Borgnine.
Willis stars as Frank Moses, a retired CIA agent sitting at home bored. His big daily rise comes from talking with Sarah (Parker), an administrative assistant in charge of his monthly retirement check, speaking from her office in Kansas City. They’ve never met in person but he’d like to.
That meeting happens sooner than planned when a team of assassins shows up in the night to kill Frank. Being Bruce Willis, he takes them all out—“RED” stands for Retired, Extremely Dangerous—before going on the run. First stop: Kansas City.
He kidnaps Sarah, calmly explaining to her that the CIA is now inexplicably out to kill him and probably her since they've been talking together so much. He whisks her down to New Orleans, where he begins the process of putting together a team of oldies ripe for one more good fight.
First on the list is Freeman as Joe Matheson. Next comes Malkovich as Marvin Boggs, an acid-addled paranoid who often as not has real reason to be suspicious. Lastly, after a break-in at the CIA, the gang hooks up with genteel assassin Victoria (Mirren).
The parade of fine actors continues as Dreyfuss pops up playing a billionaire manipulator and the eternally under-rated Cox takes on the role of a Russian agent looking to cause some trouble.
Mixing Three Stooges anarchy into government conspiracy with a healthy helping of self-acknowledged silliness, old-school “RED” is a colorful blast.
The Blu-Ray
Visual: Detail is stellar throughout, with bold hues popping off set design and costumes, creating a vibrant viewing experience that reinforces the graphic novel origins of the material.
Audio: The DTS-HD 5.1 Dolby Digital sound mix skillfully details the world of “RED,” from one-liners to explosive mayhem.
Subtitles: English SDH, Arabic, Chinese, Indonesian subtitles are offered.
Extras: The feature-length audio commentary with Retired C.I.A. Field Officer Robert Baer is a curiosity, but not always an interesting listen.
“Deleted and Extended Scenes” (8:46) offer tiny comedic and action beats to fill out the shenanigans, but the primary addition here deals with Cooper and his complicated life at home and work. An extended ending is also included.
“Access: Red” is a clickable trivia track that runs the length of the film, offering viewers featurettes, tidbits, and C.I.A. history to enjoy as they watch the movie. Grade ★ ★ ★★ out of 5 stars
EvanTheBold suffers from a condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which causes loose ligaments and hypermobile joints. It’s mostly inconvenient, except where playing the piano backwards is concerned. Then it really comes in handy.
Crazy cat ladies of the world, brush the layers of feline hair off your palms and get to fapping, because Haggis is obviously your new wet dream star!
If you’ve already started fapping before wiping the feline hair off your palms, just roll your chocha over a lint brush afterward. That’s what they’re for!
Here’s the couturiers of Sears, Khloe and Kourtney KardASSian, leaving Vera Wang’s store in Beverly Hills after a group of animal handlers fitted them for the dresses they wore to Kris Humphries’ soul-selling ceremony recently. Whatever wang of Vera’s they threw over their bodies for the wedding will never be as horrifically fugly as the spool of pork vomit they wore to the store.
To be nice, I’ll say that Kourtney’s dress would look a lot better if it was cut up into a bunch of pieces and wrapped around the mouths of all the Kardashian-Jenners. Then it would be beautiful. But Khloe’s?! That hot pink parachute jumpsuit dress might look good on MC Hammer, but that’s about it. That circus jumpsuit dress makes Khloe look like she should be balancing on a ball under the big top while a clown in a top hat plays “U Can’t Touch This” on an accordion.
And I’m not a pig farmer, but does Khloe have pregnancy nose?
If you’re on a diet, fuck it off and stick your face in bowl of fried lard. If for some fucked-up reason you have declared celibacy, go rub and wet hump the first hot piece you see. If there’s a whore out there that doesn’t know how much you hate them, immediately knee them in the butt bone and destroy them with the cunt word. Because the end is near.
The sky is about to turn black and the earth will implode! Baby Jesus, hold me in your arms and dry my tears with your breath. I’m scared.
It’s a little known fact that the kitchen grease orchid Paz de la Huerta is a master at crotch acting and teaches a class at Juilliard to aspiring crotch thespians who want to learn how to deliver a raw emotion performance from the top of their pussy bones to the tip of their taints.
The “Boardwalk Empire” star can transform her crotch into a mysterious character with a merkin the same way Meryl Streep can transform her voice with an accent.
Paz can smile with her crotch (smotching) the same way Tyra Banks tries to smile with her eyes. Paz’s chocha can queef out Atticus’ court monologue from “To Kill A Mockingbird” with such subtle force that it makes Angel Gregory Peck cry a single tear.
True story: Paz’s crotch turned down the lead role in “The Wrestler.” Mickey Rourke can thank Paz’s crotch by sending it a basket of clitty balm.
So because of all of this, Agent Provocateur knew that there was only one crotch for their new ad campaign. Just watch the video below and hold your breath (and your applause) as you see her Laurence Olivicrotch switch from emotion to emotion. Paz’s pussy is theater!
